An Update from Lisa: God's Glorious Morning

Greetings Everyone!

More nice things to report.  This past Sunday I was up before anyone else and was outside enjoying the weather.  It was warm but had a wonderful crisp coolness in the air.  The sun was bright and the birds were chirping.  We have been reading my mom's poems lately and I thought I could try my hand at writing a poem like my mom's.  I called it, God's Glorious Morning.  Well, needless to say, I don't have the creativity of my mom and I just kept wanting to share the moment with her.  So, I woke her up (I don't usually wake her up in the mornings and instead I just check on her until she wakes up) and told her what a beautiful morning it was.  She was still so sleepy but was willing to get up anyway.  We got her dressed and into her wheelchair and then I quickly whisked her away bypassing a stop to the toilet in order for her to enjoy her backyard with the roses and the sounds of the birds and other nature.  Her eyes were so wide open and alert.  I did not have her oxygen with her so her voice was quiet and raspy but she was describing the scene is her usual poetic nature.  She spoke of the morning doves (the same ones I called chirping birds) singing a sweet sound, the roses painted in beautiful color.  I asked her if she wanted me to read some more of her poems to complement the moment and for a little while longer I read to her.  We were just enjoying "God's Glorious Morning" when I remembered I needed to record her, which we have been doing these past weeks.  She wrote another poem that morning believe it or not.  It was a letter entitled, "To Lisa and Adam's children, who I will never meet."  And then she started talking about our puppies and how they are always looking out for her and watching her and snuggling in her lap or climbing on her belly.  That was nice to hear because they do stay by her side as much as possible during the days.

After several hours, she started to look uncomfortable and I asked, "What's wrong, Mom. Are you in pain?"  She said, "No, Lisa.  We did not stop at the bathroom this morning and I really have to go now."  Point taken....Nature calls in more ways than one.  

She is still waking up everyday and eating food.  Tonight she had dinuguan that her friend brought over so her appetite is still strong, especially for Filipino food.  She is starting to have pain and we have been giving her small bits of morphine.  She moves around as much as she can and will still walk to her room with a walker.  

Karen and Cristian are doing well and making lots of crafts for Lola.  Adam is still in Wisconsin but Tita Lina and Tito Danny will be here tomorrow.  Hopefully my mom can call tomorrow.  I will ask her when she is awake.  I hope all is well with everyone. 

Take care, 

Lisa 

"Aren't I supposed to be dying?"

Hello Everyone!

Here's a picture of my mom and her beloved group the Mad Hatters.  They have known each other for so long.  They all came to visit for a few hours and my mom was really cheered up.  She was smiling and was very alert with all the conversations.  Included in the picture on the lower right side is a newspaper clipping from 1984 I think about the Mad Hatters.  I thought it would be great to display that.  Everyone loved it and was talking about it.  

Sr. Mary Elizabeth from our church came today and gave my mom communion.  That was nice also and very comforting.  We prayed and it was nice.

We also had the nursing aide from the hospice company come in this week to do some bathing with her.  She is Filipina and was able to speak in Tagalog to her.  I think she really liked that.  She will be coming in every week for bathing.  She is very nice and I think my Mom will be happy to be able to speak Tagalog more.  

Also this week, two of our long time Filipino friends came and really brightened my mom's spirits.  My mom has been getting stronger and has a good appetite, especially for Filipino food.  She is confused by this because she keeps thinking she is supposed to get weaker and weaker.  Well, these Filipino friends were saying that maybe mom's mission on this life is not finished and she is not supposed to leave yet.  They encouraged her to keep on going everyday with all activities because we don't know what God's plan is for her but at this time she must continue living everyday.  Even I was uplifted by them.  They brought over some holy water also.  

I think her hope is coming back.  Each morning when I go into her room, she says, "I'm still here.  Aren't I supposed to be dying?"  I tell her that many people are praying for her, then she says, "That's the problem....all the prayers are being answered.  And I'm still here."  Isn't that funny?  Please tell all who are praying for her that the prayers are being answered because as she says, "I am still here."  

Everyday I am so amazed by her.  I truly see her strength; strength in mind, strength in faith, and now strength in body.  She still sleeps alot but during the times she is awake, she is much more alert and interactive with her surroundings.  We are so excited to have Tita Lina and Tito Danny and Tita Beth and Tita Donna come visit next week.  And then Elena and her family will be out the following week after that. We don't know what the next day brings so we are just taking it day by day!  

Take care and enjoy the picture! 

Love love love, 

Lisa 

Still beaming that beautiful smile

This is How it Happens.

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. 

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming, and the other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

~Henry Van Dyke~

One Homecoming and One Coming Home

After ten days of being back home in AZ, it's time for me to go home to FL. Back to my family and to finish up the last of the school year. The transition has been rough, but my mom has received wonderful treatment at the hospital. But there isn't much more they can do about her cancer. It is affecting other parts of her body and because of her compromised condition there are no other options.

The end result now is hospice care.

The most important thing to remember is that my mom is comfortable. I'm not ready for this path and either is my mom, I'm sure. The medical jargon confuses me and that is probably the most intimidating thing about it. Pam, my mom's hospice nurse is a Godsend and is very patient when we have too many questions. The problem I have run into is stepping into the unknown. You'd think that after 10+ years as a military spouse that I'd be used to the unknown and having to wait around for answers. The truth of the matter is that there is no timeline. My mom could go on for years on hospice or she could go on for weeks.

One thing for sure is that my children miss me and I need to be home now. I am worried about being away for two weeks because things seem to change at the drop of a hat. My mom reassures me that I need to be with my husband and kids and that she promises not to die without me there. This is a signal to me that she knows that her time is almost up here on Earth. Apparently God needs her up in heaven and my dad is patiently waiting.

She reminds me that she had to do the very same thing when she was caring for Mama and Papa when they were sick. She was in Arizona and her parents were in California. On two separate occasions years apart, she had to split her time between her job and family in AZ and her dying parents in CA. I am thankful that my mom understands my situation and I am excited to see my family again, but I am worried beyond words.

So I get to go home and my sister assures me that she will call, email or text anytime anything changes. Lisa carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. The doctor in her knows how to direct the comfort care for my mom, but it also leaves her with little time to be a daughter. She seems to be handling the title well, but I still worry. She is my sister and I care so much about her thoughts and feelings. She is probably the closest of us three sisters to my mom and she needs time to be a daughter, not a doctor.

The time will go by fast for my mom since she will have many visits from her brother and sisters from California. They will have many late nights reminiscing of their childhood and adult lives. Catching up on so may things and also praying. Saying their long goodbyes.

Just a few of Lola's sisters and brother-in-law

My mom is also preparing. She is preparing internally... Something we will not experience until it is our time to go. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to see my mom do this.

Ready or not. It's time to go home.

Cancer Sucks! and One Very Happy Mother's Day

There's nothing like getting a phone call from your sister telling you that your mom is back in the hospital. That horrible sinking feeling followed by optimism and comforting words of strength.

"Hey, Len, I had to take mom to the emergency room last night. Don't worry too much, but you should probably come home to see her..."

Of course I flew home right away.

Lola and her Three Little Girls

I booked a one-way ticket back to AZ because I was going to see this whole thing through. Years and years of missing out on major events in my mom's life brought me to this decision. I wanted to stay because I wanted to bring my mom home from the hospital. It's important to see her at home and comfortable.

The day after I arrived was Mother's Day and on that day our oldest sister and her son flew into town. You could imagine my mom's surprise to see her three little girls home and with her. It was a blessing and also a sign. It is very rare that all three of us sisters are able to be home at the same time and for one reason or another we were all here with no time limitations or need to rush back.

On this day, the room was filled with happiness. We decorate my mom's hospital room with cards and drawings the grandchildren have made. Flowers are arranged around her and we share stories to catch up with one another. My mom tires quickly and we let her rest... A visit to the cafeteria for some coffee and back up to the room. 

My mom does not want us to tell her friends and old co-workers that she is in the hospital. However, word travels quickly when you are admitted into the very hospital you used to work at for 35 years! Of course with it being Mother's Day, she received many visits and quick check in's. All of her friends and family worry about her. I'm worried about her too.

There is something different about my mom. Something final and that scares me. My mom seems to be at peace, although we cannot see her true internal struggle. Her strong Catholic faith inspires me and I can see that it helps her to stay focused. And so my many years of Catholic upbringing brings me to to stay focused on my mom. Keeping a silent vigil with songs of faith and prayer. My mom can still teach me these things and for that I am grateful. I will always be my mother's daughter.

Cinco de Mayo is My Father's Day

My Mom Walks Alone

Two years.
It's been two years since my dad has passed.

While many are out celebrating Cinco de Mayo festivities, our family mourns a little bit before the celebration. Yes, we do celebrate. We celebrate a life lived and a passing that has a bit of humor in it. If you knew my dad, you would have known that he loved to be around good people. People who liked to laugh because my dad liked to laugh. People who liked to smile because my dad liked to smile. People who were living in the moment because he did the same. So as you'd see, the humor in my dad's passing comes with the date: May 5th. Cinco de Mayo. A popular day of celebration in the Southwest. It's just like my dad to pass away on a day where we should have a party to celebrate both Cinco de Mayo as well as his passing.

There are no words to describe the loss of a parent. My mom suffered a great loss when her beloved husband passed. My dad took very good care of my mom, almost to a fault. But my mom got through it by going to church, journaling and taking each day as they came. It was a great relief when my sister and her husband left FL for a new life as newlyweds in AZ. My mom lovingly calls them her roommates.

People sometimes say that they see their loved ones who have passed in everyday things. For me, my dad visits me in the form of butterflies. It seems as though when I absolutely need him the most is when I happen to see or notice a butterfly. It's a comforting feeling especially when the butterfly catches me off guard. I could be sitting in the carpool line waiting to pick up the kids from school and I'll look up and spot a butterfly. It's my dad looking back at me and I know he is watching over me.

Rest in Peace Dad